Ask a Therapist:—For Couples:
What tips do you have for my partner and me to keep our romance alive; we’ve been together for some time now, and we are not as passionate as we once were?
Keeping Romance Alive:
1. Prioritize romance in your relationship; know why it’s important to you and make time for it.
2. Schedule dates; one date per week minimum to show each other you care.
3. Take turns planning the date for each other; think of what your partner enjoys, and plan something along those lines.
4. Remember that for many partners the physical intimacy is an outcome of feeling special and cared for at all times, not just from a romantic perspective.
5. Schedule time for physical intimacy if that’s what it will take. Boring? No way!
Catherine Wood, M.A.
Certified Imago Therapist
cwood@axxent.ca, 416.926.7216
www.catherine-wood.com
What tips do you have for my partner and me while we are in the Power Struggle Phase of our relationship?
Survival Tips For the Power Struggle Phase:
1. BREATHE! The power of a 10 second breath: inhale, pause, exhale; can not be overestimated.
2. Your partner IS NOT the enemy! Under anger is hurt, sadness, shame and more.
You are BOTH right.
When you don't understand, ask for more information. There is room for differences in every relationship. You don't have to agree. You want to understand.
4. Remember: only 10% of the intensity of what is happening is about today. 90% is rooted in the past!! Try to follow the thin thread to the past and connect to a childhood scene that has some familiar feelings. Share that memory with your partner.
5. The Power Struggle is GOOD NEWS!! It means the relationship is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing: bringing up feelings from long ago that need to be seen, heard, and understood. That is to say, shared and loved.
6. Again, always remember to breathe. It gives both of you a moment to connect to your grown-up self and take the energy and focus off of the other. These intense feelings you are experiencing are really all about YOU.
Nancy Ross, M.A.,
Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, Advanced Clinician, and Workshop Presenter
416-466-3609
clo.nancy@sympatico.ca
www.couplerelationshiptherapist.com |
Ask A Therapist—For Singles:
I am ready to start dating, and don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What should I consider when choosing a partner?
Choosing The Right Partner:
1. Have you made wise choices in the past? If not, learn why. Read Keeping the Love You Find , and Receiving Love, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
2. By about the fourth or fifth date see if s/he is interested in the books as well. How open do you find this person to the concept that all relationships will get into trouble and that is when the growing begins?
3. Be hyper alert to red flags. If you have "been there and done that" before with disastrous results, RUN.
4. DO NOT expect you and the love you are creating together to change the other person.
5. Remember that your unconscious (the wee one from long ago who longs to feel safe and adored) is doing the falling in love/lust. Consciously (your wise adult self of today) question yourself about a future with this person. Can what you see and feel survive the demands and stresses of a life together?
6. Do not get yourself into something that is tough to get out of (marriage/commitment) by letting your hormones (that little kid again who needs to feel good) run the adult decisions and choices.
7. Have fun!! Pick someone you can laugh and play with as well as someone who values good hard physical and emotional work. Laughter brings wonderful energizing hormones into the relationship. Many hard times can be navigated when you can call upon a sense of humour.
Nancy Ross, M.A.
Imago Relationship Therapist, Advanced Clinician, Workshop Presenter
416-466-3609, clo.nancy@sympatico.ca
www.couplerelationshiptherapy.com
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